It Might Be Hope

29. January 2013 · Write a comment · Categories: Adoption, Faith · Tags: , ,

So much of how we keep moving forward everyday is about one thing. Hope. When I have it, it makes the whole world open up. My steps feel lighter, I feel the sun on my face, and the future is full of promise.

Sometimes while waiting, I get stuck in worry. It pulls me down and makes the walls close in.

Sometimes I need a pick me up. A reminder of the reality of our situation. We are SO blessed to be in the position to adopt. Thanks to adoption, we have a hope for the blessing that we’ve spent years praying for. We are blessed to even be considered by those who find us on this journey.

This is a song has helped me shed the worry I have been feeling and reminds me of what a miracle it is to have HOPE in our lives.

It’s hard to recall what blew out the flame.
It’s been dark since you can remember.
You talk it all through to find it a name
as days go on by without number

You’ve been here for a long, long time

Hope has a way of turning it’s face to you
just when you least expect it.
You walk in a room,
you look out a window
and something there leaves you breathless
You say to yourself
it’s been a while since I felt this
but it feels like it might be hope

Wherefore, ye must press forward with a steadfastness in Christ, having a perfect brightness of hope, and a love of God and of all men. -2 Nephi 31:20

Hoping, praying, and living life as a waiting adoptive mommy,

Christy

Dear Expectant Mother…

17. January 2013 · Write a comment · Categories: Adoption · Tags: ,

I know you are out there, somewhere. I know that you’re path can’t be easy and that you aren’t sure what to do. I haven’t been where you are now, but I know what it’s like to feel lost.

I wish you and I could just sit down and spill our guts. That I could tell you how maddening it is to wait, never knowing if we could be doing something more or if we should be taking another route to find you. I wish you could tell me all about the concerns you have about placing and choosing a family and how much it crushes your heart to even think about giving your baby to someone else. I wish we could get it all out over Oreo cookies and milk. We could cry together and laugh together. We could feel less alone than we do right now.

I wake up at night thinking about you, praying for you. I have no idea what you look like and what your dreams are, where you come from or what your life has been to this point. I just know that I care about you and I desperately want to find you.

I believe that there is a plan that we are all a part of. I believe that you and I are already somehow cosmically linked and we’re searching for each other. The problem is, we don’t know where to look or when we’ll finally find one another. So we both just hope and pray and we wake up in the middle of the night looking for comfort and answers.

I wish I could introduce you to my husband and my dog. I know you’ll love them as much as I do. I wish I could walk you around my house and show you where our baby will learn to crawl and sing the ABCs. And then you’ll start to feel that you are in the right place, with the right people.

We’ll trust each other with our hearts and take the risk of being open and vulnerable. And when that day comes and you bring that precious child into the world, both of our hearts will be filled with such joy and heartbreak. But we’ll look into each other’s eyes and know that we complete one another. That neither of us can be a whole mother without the other. I need you in my life as much as you need me, if not more. Your child will need your love and support all their life and no one else can fill that place in their heart, but you. I will raise your baby and protect, provide, and love him or her fiercely. We’ll find joy in the smiles of our child. We will both be mothers together. A family.

I hope that someday you read this, and you find that you knew it, too. That I was waiting for you and you were waiting for me. Until that day, just know that I think constantly about you, pray for you, and hope you’ll reach out. I’ll be here.

Love,

Christy

Hearing the News

07. January 2013 · 8 comments · Categories: Adoption · Tags: , ,

You are not glass. When you shatter, you will heal and be whole again.

I’ve been struggling the last few days. In the span of two days, we found out that three couples who are close to us are expecting a baby. That’s not counting the half dozen people who have made announcements in my social media network.

There once was a time when pregnancy announcements would bring on a complete break down. I would retreat into a dark room and sob. I would spend the duration of their pregnancy shifting between profound jealousy and overwhelming guilt for feeling jealous. I would politely decline invitations to baby showers because it hurt too much to be there. When the baby finally came and I took my turn to hold that beautiful angel, my heart would ache with a force that surpassed emotional pain. It was raw and ugly grief.

Over the years, the grief has eased and I can celebrate alongside my friends and family the way I used to. There is a quiet moment where I process the pain and let it go, but I stay out of the darkness. Last night after getting the news about the third baby from a friend, whom I love dearly, my stronghold started to crumble. I didn’t fall apart, but I did crumble a bit.

It’s HARD. It’s so hard to have a desire so strong that it is infused into every fiber of your being, but out of your reach. Especially when it seems impossible for you, yet so easy for others.

As hard as it is to endure that pain, I also know I don’t deserve to be a mom.

It’s not that I’ve done something wrong or that I’ve disqualified myself somehow. I didn’t mess up. I’m not being punished.

Being a mother isn’t something you earn. It’s a gift. A precious, beautiful, amazing gift. Many women of all backgrounds and circumstances are given that gift and some women, also of every background and circumstance, aren’t. It’s not a matter of deserving it.

In the same way that a baby isn’t a punishment, it also isn’t a reward.

I can’t earn it. I can’t will a child into being mine. I just can’t. I don’t have that control. I can choose to fight that reality and become frustrated, angry, and bitter or I can accept it and do my best to live a life I love and am proud of.

I choose to live. If someday the gift of motherhood is given to me, there will be never-ending, absolutely beautiful gratitude because I know so well that I could just as easily never be a mom.

But something in me knows that I was meant to be a mom. I know it because in my heart there exists a love that belongs to a child. Our child. My child.

Taking a deep breath and moving forward,

Christy

Preservation of Hope

03. January 2013 · Write a comment · Categories: Everyday Life · Tags: , ,

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When I was in high school, I used to hang flowers and my dance corsages from my ceiling. My mother told me it was morbid, although I think I was the only one of her four children who didn’t go through a goth phase. *wink*

Still, it seemed the best way to me to allow them to dry so I could enjoy them a little longer. I endured her eye rolling and head shaking until the process was done and I could take them down to put with my movie ticket stubs and notes from friends as we passed in hallways.

I enjoyed laying in bed looking up at them, so I would leave them up a little longer if the mood struck me. They seemed romantic to me, their petals becoming more fragile and their colors becoming more muted and antiqued.

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These are some of the roses Daniel bought for me for our anniversary a couple weeks ago. Watching them wilt was heartbreaking and I was about to throw them out when I remembered the hanging flowers in my adolescent bedroom. I hurried to find some thread and I began to string up the blooms that were still well intact.

Of course the most out of the way and puppy safe place to hang them was in the nursery.

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The nursery doesn’t get much traffic these days, except during times when I need to be alone, to cry or pray. Or both. It seemed like letting the roses hang here was a way of making sure I continue to go in, and leave good thoughts there as I enjoy my anniversary roses some more. It might seem silly, but I sort of feel like the more positive thoughts and feelings that fill the room the more likely we might bring our baby home to us sooner. Superstitious? Maybe. Or maybe I just need to sit in a room filled with dreams and love.

The flowers hanging from my ceiling as a teen were ethereal mementos of love, friendship, and hope. That’s how they feel to me now, too.

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Your Dreamy and Romantic Future Adoptive Mommy,

Christy

Nine Months

19. December 2012 · 3 comments · Categories: Adoption · Tags: ,

nevergiveupThis week marks nine months since we were approved as an adoptive family. It’s also the eve of our nine year wedding anniversary. The first couple years of our marriage we would lovingly think of our “December Baby”, with the impression that when a baby came into our lives it would be this time of year.

Our hopes were really high for our December baby this past summer. We were contacted by an expectant mother back in August who was due with a baby girl at the end of December. It was our first contact with an expectant mother and we were cautiously optimistic. She has been prompted by the Spirit to think about an adoption plan for her daughter. After exchanging emails over the next couple weeks, we started to grow a friendship. As we got to know her, we were struck with her intelligence, talent, and spirituality. She loved her unborn daughter fiercely and shared with us her hopes and dreams for her future.

Unfortunately, due to circumstances out of her control, this sweet and brave woman was forced to abandon adoption as an option for her and her baby. We continued to email, sending our love and encouragement to her. We prayed for her constantly, that no matter the outcome of her decision she would find peace. We had grown to love her.

The few days later, our caseworker let us know that she had made a firm decision to parent. We were informed that if she had decided to move forward with the adoption, that we were her preferred couple and she would have chosen us.

The news brought a lot of emotions. We were praying that everything would work out for this expectant mother, hopeful that she have full support from her loved ones as she raised her daughter.

We were touched that she would have picked us, if it had still been an option. We finally felt as though we had true hope that someday we would be chosen, even if it would be by someone else.

But we were also sad. We had thought of a name and we had dreamed of our little December baby. Though we were happy that this baby girl was already so loved, we grieved to know that we would never see her, never hold her, never kiss her goodnight.

We haven’t heard from her in quiet a while, but with her due date approaching, I’m thinking of this sweet expectant mother and her sweet baby girl, who could be here any day now, if she hasn’t been born already. I pray for them. I hope for them. I wish for Heaven to shower them with every blessing and happiness.

We haven’t had any other contact from any other situations since then. We hope that we someday will develop a lasting relationship with a woman who will be the first mother our child knows and that it will be as beautiful as the experience we were able to share in August with this wonderful woman.

With a thankful heart,

Christy

Adoption Hormones

28. November 2012 · 3 comments · Categories: Adoption · Tags: ,

Sometimes I wonder if there are any such things as “adoption hormones”. You know… the adoption equivalent to pregnancy symptoms that bring on crying and sentimentality out of nowhere? I’ve never had a baby growing inside me, changing my body chemistry, but there’s something about waiting for a baby that tears at my emotional stronghold.

I was hanging out passing out candy on Halloween night last month and watching It’s the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown when this Carter’s commercial started playing. I was a blubbering mess by the end of it.

It also happens nearly every time I hear A Thousand Years by Christina Perri because my pre-adoption brain has related it entirely with my unknown child out there somewhere. See these lyrics? They have made driving while listening entirely too dangerous.

I have died everyday waiting for you
Darlin’ don’t be afraid I have loved you for a
Thousand years I’ll love you for a Thousand more
And all along I believed I would find you
Time has brought Your heart to me I have loved you for a
Thousand years I’ll love you for a Thousand more

Gosh, this song makes me weep. I fully intend to sing it in dim light, soothing my baby to sleep in the rocking chair in the nursery. In fact, that’s exactly the image that bubbles up while the song is playing.

The waiting I’m doing now is pretty much as close as I may ever get to pregnancy. But there is no reassuring kick in my abdomen to let me know things are going ok. We have no ultrasounds to watch our baby move or heartbeats to listen to at doctors appointments. We don’t have a due date waiting like a finish line in the distance that holds the promise of meeting our baby. I’m trying to be ok with that. I’m trying to enjoy my “pregnancy” as much as I can.

Maybe the lack of a round belly and pregnancy glow is my own version of “swollen ankles”. And the restlessness I feel, well maybe that’s the “morning sickness”. And maybe the times we weren’t chosen were “contractions” and the babies that I fell in love with that weren’t meant to be mine were my “false labor”. These are moments that I need to be more grateful for. Every pain and worry is worth it, isn’t it?

Growing Here (Heart Image)Meanwhile I’m blubbering in my living room with my tissues and a box of pizza after watching a TV commercial. Someday I will be able to share this exciting time with my child. I want him or her to know how anxiously I waited and how beautiful it was to be able to become a mother at last.

-Christy

Words from Blogs Past

25. October 2012 · Write a comment · Categories: Adoption · Tags: , ,

I used to keep a blog a long time ago just about what was going on with my life and general journal entries. I was wondering around memory lane and found this blurb about our adoption fund I was working on in February 2007.

I was blessed to have been babysitting the sweet and wonderful Katarina. I saved each precious dollar I earned from babysitting her in a heart shaped box we received for our wedding in hopes that someday we would bring a baby home.

Christy and Katarina playing with web cam photos in Dec 2008

Christy and Katarina playing with web cam photos in Dec 2008

2/27/2007
“My adoption fund is growing by the week. Every week, I take the money out and count it. I am so glad to have the ability to watch a little girl and in return, make some money to put away for my own little boy or girl. It’s great practice and helps me to learn different things about watching after kids. It eases my “baby hunger” because I can love her and play with her every week. I am lucky, too, that she is such a good baby. She is nearly ALWAYS happy. She recovers well when she bumps and falls and does her toddler type things. She is learning to talk and I love teaching her new words. Daniel and I got her to say “noodle” all night one night. It was seriously the cutest thing I have ever heard. Especially watching Daniel’s face light up when she would repeat the word for him.”
____________________________________________________________________________

Christy and Katarina in 2012

Christy and Katarina Oct. 2012

Katarina is seven years old now! It has been so amazing to watch her grow. We marveled at the day she started using full sentences. We were impressed when she started playing the guitar.

She has helped me learn so many things about carrying for a little person and helped me see the blessing it is to watch and support someone as they find out who they are.

We have loved Katarina since she was a little baby and she’s excited for us to one day be a mommy and a daddy. We’re lucky to have the love and prayers of such a precious little girl!

I was playing with her last week and she looked at me seriously and asked if we had our baby yet. I told her that we were still waiting for someone to pick us. She replied, “Oh, but it’s been a long time.” My heart broke a little listening to her response. It really hit me that Daniel and I are not the only ones that are waiting eagerly for our baby to come into our lives. I know that when the time comes, that Katarina will be one of the most excited. She will make a fantastic role model and friend for our child!

There are so many people in our lives that our waiting to hear good news for us. There are so many people that will be there to celebrate, to cry, and to laugh when that sweet moment comes. We are so blessed and loved that it makes my heart hurt to think of it. We are being showered in prayers and good thoughts and we are so grateful.

Even little Katarina can’t wait.

When Love Takes You In

09. October 2012 · Write a comment · Categories: Adoption, Spread the News · Tags: , ,

When love takes you in by Steven Curtis Chapman.

Steven Curtis Chapman is a Christian Recording Artist and an Adoption Advocate. He and his wife have welcomed the blessing of adoption into their lives and in 2001 he released an album called Dedication that included the song below called “Love Takes You In”. This beautiful song has been with me for years and years. Listening it to it again today, the second verse caused tears welled up in my eyes and my throat all choked up.

“And somewhere while you’re sleeping
Someone else is dreaming too
Counting down the days until
They hold you close and say I love you
And like the rain that falls into the sea
In a moment what has been is lost in what will be ”

Watch this amazing video and please share our website with your friends and family!

-Christy

The Wait

28. September 2012 · 1 comment · Categories: Adoption · Tags: , , ,

Yet to ComeThere are moments in my day that are great. Shiny little bits that make my smile creep out. A song on the radio. Daniel’s touch. My dog’s pant. A friend’s laugh.

Sometimes though, the waiting gets to me. I try to outrun it by hitting the pavement and logging miles. I distract myself with books and with shows on TV. I get together with my friends and talk late into the night about everything under the sun. We load up the dog in the car and go for day trips.

And every once in a while we just sit. It’s quiet and we hold each other and just breathe. It’s gotten past wondering out loud. We’ve already spent years of talking back and forth about the questions we have and trying to guess the way it’s going to happen, or even if it will. We’ve already said it all. Now we just wait.

Every couple that has adopted goes through this. Whether they wait just a few weeks or years, the consensus is that they have all agonized with the wait. But from everything that I have read, they would all do it over again because even though the wait was hard, in the end it led them to the child that was meant to be in their family. They look at the losses they’ve experienced and the matches that didn’t work out and they are grateful for them, because if anything had been different they wouldn’t have have their child. And life would just not be the same.

I try not to focus on the wait. I try to just live my life and pray that it will all work out. I have to trust that this wait is for a purpose. That this time living in the unknown will be the best thing in the end because it will lead to our baby. And we will be the family that God intended us to be.

-Christy

A year later…

20. August 2012 · Write a comment · Categories: Adoption, Our Story · Tags: , ,

Wait on the Lord: Psalm 27:14Just over a year ago, Daniel and I started the adoption process. It has been tough and exciting time for us as a couple and with that time behind us, we know the best is yet to come.

I was thrilled the morning of our first meeting. After years of waiting and saving, I was so excited we were making such a big step by finally walking into the adoption agency. After a bit of online research, I only vaguely understood the requirements that we would need to meet, but I showed up that morning starry-eyed.

When the reality hit, I felt like we had been stopped dead in our tracks. Reviewing the exhaustive list of paperwork, interviews, and referrals was overwhelming to the point of tears. The sheer amount work involved seemed insurmountable.

The most difficult part to swallow was the estimated time that we would wait for placement. Even after we made it through the mountain of paperwork and reached the approval stage, the average time to placement was two to four years. Hearing that brought me to undignified sobs. We had been married for just over 7.5 years. Waiting for years more seemed too much to ask when I was already so weary.

But we brought that packet home. Day by day we whittled the stack of forms lower and lower. We went to the trainings and read the required books. We made our house more inaccessible by baby proofing every inch without a baby in sight. We opened up our lives for scrutiny; our childhoods, marriage, family relationships, spirituality, parenting philosophy, finances, medical history. You name it, we did it.

We made it over the hurdles and we were approved in March. Since then we’ve experienced anticipation, excitement, and loss. We have spent the last five months hopeful, eager, nervous, and waiting for “the call”.

We did this all for a dream. The dream that someday soon we will be able to bring our child home. A dream that we’ll be able to watch the miracle of that child becoming a person; learning their strengths, helping them overcome their weaknesses, comforting them when they fall, and encouraging them to get back up. We dream of being parents and we’re willing to wait.

-Christy

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